My friend Levi who is in his early 20's is in the hospital battling sickness, wrote some profound words a few days ago which had me weeping and really reflected much of how I've felt at times. It's been the toughest year in ministry and personal life that I've ever experienced and yet God has made thee most AMAZING things happen at the same time!!! But even through the days where I feel like I'm putting 'my best face forward' in FB and going through the motions, I know that deep within, that is truly how I'm feeling about God and have to keep telling myself His truths even though my mind is screaming lies. The truth of God's Words in Scripture need to be driven into my mind and heart continually to combat the lies and deceit of the enemy. I want to share Levi's words with you, which he's given me permission to do so, because I know others of you have felt this way at times in your life too. We are such fickle and imperfect human beings...but God... but God .....He IS there ....EVERY....step... of the way.....whether we feel Him or not. Jesus is our ONLY hope and sure foundation and as we come to Him on our knees again and again and again, our strength in Him is made stronger even though our flesh is weak. Joy comes in the morning ♡
"...I want to say thank you to the many of you who have been praying for me today. I honestly am so humbled, to know how richly God has blessed me with so many friends and family who care for me, as much as they do. It often confuses me. Yet I am thankful. So thankful.
One week ago, today, I can't say I was expecting to be driven to emergency 7 days later, yet here I am. To say I haven't struggled would be a lie. Yet, in many ways I feel I need to apologize in that through my various Facebook posts I've been putting my best face forward. Many of you wouldn't see anything apart from what you see through that small lens of a photo or positive post. Yet my family could be the first to tell you just how much I've struggled this year, and in that, how poorly I have responded on a day to day basis. Letting go of my hope, often losing my joy, and through that many times doubting the goodness and love of God. "Why wasn't I stronger than this?" I would often ask myself... Last week I finally started going off alone spending time with the Lord in hopes to regain my foundation in Christ, because I knew if I didn't, it would only be a matter of time before I was destroyed physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Last week God began restoration in my life, and as I was writing all that I have learned over the past few months God soon taught me, that I wasn't meant to be strong enough for these trials. They were meant to break me. They were meant to humble me and show me that I can't live the life God desires for me to live. They were meant to refine me. God waited until I finally came to my knees before him, having realized through experience that this world has nothing to offer. Only He can satisfy.
Through this time of meditation, I believed God was going to begin restoration in my life. I just wanted to hit the streets and start bringing as many people as possible to the foot of the cross where freedom and forgiveness is found, at our Saviour's feet. Now, after today as I'm lying in a hospital bed, was I wrong in believing that? No. God is restoring. I'm reminded of the verse that Paul wrote (I'm going to blame my lack of knowing the reference on the drugs I'm currently on... Haha) "Though outwardly I am wasting away, inwardly I am being renewed day by day." now in my case I guess I need to flip these... Haha
So I guess first I hope you can forgive me for so many times making it look like I was doing better than I have been. And by doing so, I realized I have been drawing more attention all this time to myself and my own "strength" instead of pointing people to Jesus. The giver of any strength I have. Yet sadly I know, There have been times of almost yelling at the Lord in pain as I'm in bed, or driving alone in my Honda.
I'm not perfect at all. I've been broken, I've been struggling more than most people know. But I can honestly say tonight God has been so good to me. "If we are faithless, He remains faithful." 2nd Timothy 2:13 praise the Lord for the truth found in this verse...
So please be encouraged, if you are going through some. Sort of trial in your life, and yet you feel you've failed in your walk with Christ in not being as strong as you think you should be... Just know that sometimes, that's what God desires through these trials, for us to come to the end of ourselves in every way, until all is stripped away. Only then, can he begin guiding you and directing you in the tasks that he has for you.
Thank you all again for just being such amazing friends and family. I love you all. I truly do." - Levi Durston
